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ON THE QUEST FOR A CHILD:
Two Small Wings
Hana Konečná
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Published in the Triton Publishers, Prague, 2006.
The book is an advanced version of the dissertation
in clinical psychology “Psychological Problems of
Infertility.” The dissertation was processed with
the help of the qualitative methodology, based on
testimonies of people, above all those concerned
with the problem. The book is supplemented with the
testimonies of people who became parents without any
problem. It is written from a viewpoint of a person
who desires a child, and is supported with excerpts
from fairy-tales, legends, biblical stories and
portions of songs that underline the chapter titles.
The book has arisen with the aim to provide
important information from many areas, but mainly to
have a psychotherapeutic effect.
The book is meant for those whose desire for a child
has not yet been for various reasons fulfilled, and
for those who are thinking whether to become parents.
But there are responses to the book also from those
who already are parents. It has positive reviews
from experts; for the whole bio-psycho-social
context brings them information in areas that are
outside of the direct field of their specialization. |
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CONTENTS
1. They Who Know, They Will Answer, Will Answer My Question
The subchapters: What Is Hidden in the Ugly Word Sterility?
Is Infertility an Illness? Are We an Exception? Is the
Infertility Rate Increasing? What Is the Story About Woman’s
Age? Where Are the Causes? What Is the Prerequisite of a
Quest for a Child? What Did They Teach Us at School? When We
Sum Up Everything; Do the Nerves Play a Role? Is There Any
Meaning to It?
This chapter clarifies the basic terminology, responds to
the most important questions, explains the biology of
reproduction, deals with the theories of psychogenic
infertility.
2. Somewhere in the Distance, Journeys Will Be Ending,
Each of Them Will Be Hiding Its Goal
The subchapters: A Map of a Quest for a Child; I’ll Toss a
Coin
This chapter reminds that a quest for a child has three
fully-fledged aims (the biological child, the adopted child,
and a life without a child). It generally deals with the
individual steps on the routes to the three given aims, and
concerns itself with the question of deciding between the
individual alternatives;it analyzes the psychological
aspects influencing the solution method.
3. Do Anything That Is Worth Doing, if It Is Just Coming
Nearer
The subchapters: A Quest for a Biological Child (Why, or the
diagnostics of fertility problems; How, or the therapy of
fertility problems); A Quest for an Adopted Child (Adoptive
parenting from a legal viewpoint; Adoptive parenting from a
psychological viewpoint); A Quest for Childlessness.
This chapter is devoted to all that which is a
prerequisite on the quest for the individual aims, to what
is in store for a couple. It describes diagnostic methods
and therapies of fertility dysfunctions, their mental,
physical, temporal and financial demands; it deals with the
kinds of the substitute family care and with the procedures
in applying for adoption; it touches on the biological and
adoptive parenting, preparation for them, and on
childlessness. All is treated from the viewpoint of an
unwillingly childless person.
4. My Journey Is Disappearing in the Distance, Every Step Is
Aching in My Heart
Subchapters:. . . What is the Woman’s Response? . . . What
is the Man’s Response? . . . What is the Impact on Partners‘
Relations? . . . What is the Poets‘ Response?
The chapter deals with the emotional response of a man
and a woman to the failures on the quest for a child, and
with influences on partners‘ relationships including the
sexual ones.
5. Play Me Silently, Maple Violin, so that My Baby Is Lulled
to Sleep for a Moment
Subchapters: . . . the Baby Is Biological; . . . the Baby Is
Adopted.
The problem does not stop with the birth or adoption,
parenthood of the formerly unwillingly childless couples is
different from those who had no trouble in becoming pregnant.
The chapter refers to individual problems.
6. Just You and Me
The chapter negotiates between the willing and unwilling
childlessnes, touches on the parenthood as a mental need,
the relationship in the childless couples
7. The Journey Is Dust and Gravel and Trodden Soil
The partners on the quest for a child are not isolated
from various external and internal influences. The chapter
lists these external influences.
8. My Mommy Doesn’t Know and She Mustn’t Know
The subchapters: A Therapeut (. . .and his or her expertize;
. . .and his or her communication abilities); Mommy is Good,
Daddy is Good, . . . in this Hell We’re Going to Live with
Them;
A Woman Said (. . . and even childlessness she mentioned; .
. . and even her opinion on parenting after therapy of
infertility problems she conveyed; . . . and you replied);
The Question of Employment; Behind Everything Look for . . .
Money; Culture (. . . expressed in ethical principles; . . .
expressed in acts of law); While Making Love, Turn on the
Radio, Love; Biometeorological Forecast
The chapter describes the various external influences
from the viewpoint of a couples, it suggests possible links.
9. Just When I Was Born, I Stepped on an Erratic Block, And
I Did Not Go to School, And Yet I Am a Man
The subchapters: . . . with Some Desire for a Child; . . .
with Some Ability to Handle Stress; . . . with Some
Education; . . . with Some Opinions, Stances and Biases
An important agent in the process of solving the problem
are internal influences, that is the partners’ personalities,
specifically their approach to the problem, their activity
or passivity in handling it. The approach is influenced by
the personality development, and therefore the attention is
paid to the possible developmental influences, for example
to archetypal stories and folk elements.
10. Someone Who Tasted the Distance, One of Those Who
Understand, Let Them Tell You
The chapter comprises the stories of people who underwent
the quest for a child. The stories are written by those
people, they point to all possibilities of solution (biological
child, adopted child, the life without a child). Some
stories are written by both partners, some individually.
11. I’ve Had Plenty of Ideas, Yeah
The subchapters: Psychological Help; Help of Civic
Associations and Foundations; Nine Points for the Quest for
a Child; Helpful Contacts
The chapter offers the most basic practical advice on how
to handle the quest for a child in the best possible way. It
contains an address book of the organizations that can help
a couple on the quest for a child.
12. We Are Questioning Learned Bachelors; et item Doctors,
et item Chancellors
The subchapters: Data Sources and Collecting Methods;
Methods of Interpreting the Data; Control of the Data
Validity; Research Ethics
The chapter clarifies the manner of collecting the data
for the work; it explains the procedures of qualitative
mehodology to the expert readership.
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Readers’ Responses to the book On
the Quest for a Child
.. I carried your book home like a treasure, and the
contents really are a treasure. I read the book in one
session and I keep returning to it. It has helped me to
orient myself in the given problematics. It has given me a
helping hand in faith that if I keep faith myself, there is
no reason why the luck in the shape of a child’s smile
should not meet me. Your book has shown me that infertility
is not just a problem of my inward I, that plenty of couples
are struggling with this problem and they all are trying to
file through the bars of the unwilling inward prison. I
would like to thank you for as successful a publication as
this book really is.
.. I want to thank you for the book On the Quest for a Child
that I swallowed with great interest in two days. Me and my
husband too stand at the beginning of a quest for a child. I
have lived through several difficult weeks, I was very much
afraid of what would follow, I fell for sadness and despair.
The book helped me a lot. Now I know that the quest might be
perhaps long and tiresome, but I will definitely do all so
that me and my husband live through it fully and so that it
is worhtwhile. I believe that in time our children will join
in with us. Many thanks for the right words at the right
moment.
.. I have finished reading your book On the Quest for a
Child and I feel to a certain point like I have been reading
my autobiography. I am 42 years old and my quest for a child
has finished in the factual sense of the word; but I think
that I will wander on it for the rest of my life, at least
in my dreams. I have come really to the sentence you write –
I have done everything for it – and I find myself reconciled
to the point that it is possible. I regret just one thing –
that your book did not appear twenty years ago – I would
have needed it so much! I am grateful that I could have read
it at least now and that it confirms my personal conclusions
from the twenty years of thinking and negotiating a life
without a child, without the hope to gain it in any possible
way. It is such a relief to find someone who understands,
who is kind, who does not judge and delicately shows
possibilities.
.. Many thanks for your book Two Small Wings that I found BY
CHANCE stuck in a narrow corner in a Prague bookstore while
I was looking for something about the remodelling of a
bathroom. I read a few lines and broke into tears. I fled
from the shop and later I returned and bought the book. I
was crying all day long. But not even at home could I read
the book. It wasn’t possible, I would have been crying. I
couldn’t concentrate. So the appropriate time came when I
went by bus (over 2-hour-long journey) when I went to the
ISCARE or to the psychologist. I took it as the balm for my
soul. It was just according to my taste.
.. Dear Ms Konečná, on 3rd November I gave a birth to a
daughter that I baldly conceived, as you might remember,
thanks to your book. I am as happy as a puppy.
.. Your book should be a compulsory purchase in the ISCARE (and
elsewhere) by all who come! Your book has helped me in that
it has ordered lots of ideas in my head. It has organized
the problematics of the quest for a child on my behalf. And,
mainly, others have named my feelings on my behalf. And I
saw that they feel the same as I do. Later I often inwardly
repeated their words.
.. I am very happy that I can tell you the happy news, at
the beginning of June I’ll be finally a mother. I am in the
third month and so far I am fine. I have not talked to you
for a long time, . . .without your book would have the
initial suffering be much worse.
.. That reminds me that I wanted to write it also to you
others. At the class reunion I showed the book that I had
bought. It is entitled On the Quest for a Child, I’ll add
the author tomorrow. It is written by a psychologist and in
a nice form it analyzes the difficult and thorny path toward
a baby, it analyzes all possibilities in the assisted
reproduction, adoption, . . . there are the commentaries of
women, men, and doctors. I was captivated by the book and
finished reading it quickly. (from the Internet)
.. Maru has written here about the book that she recommended
to me. I must say that I not only bought it, but I even
pored over it. It is exactly what I needed. It is superbly
written and one finds there everything about our “problems”.
It is entitled On the Quest for a Child, Hana Konecna, the
Academia Publishers. (from the Internet).
.. This is the first time that I’ve taken courage to write a
commentary, other times I only respond. Today I’ve been
inspired by the book On the Quest for a Child. I came across
it about a half year ago in a bookstore and I must say that
it has helped me a lot. It is excellent in that it is
written in a normal language and that it touches on all
areas and infertility problems, and mainly there are
contributions of people who lived through it. It has helped
me so much when I found out that I am not nuts, and that all
the feelings I have is not just my feelings but that
basically all people have them. It is also good in that it
includes the opinions of men and doctors. You can at least
somewhat understand what they feel. And so I recommend it a
lot to you all and I wish you that it contributes to your
well-being on the long quest for a child . . . (form the
Internet)
.. The author, accustomed to singing on a journey happy or
sad, has divided her book full of information from the areas
of psychology, sociology, ethics, law, etc. to the chapters
accompanied by the excerpts of favorite songs, and has
equipped herself with a big dose of soberness, understanding,
and humor. The book about the unfulfilled parenthood does
not provide the ready-to-go manuals, but it honestly shares
a plenitude of insights and experience. The quest for a
child is sketched as but one, and not the only one, possible
life alternative. It also remembers the alternative paths to
the parenthood – it takes with an equal seriousness the
infertility treatment, artificial fertilization and adoption.
It is sensitive about language, hence it refuses for
instance the often utilized expression among the doctors
concerning the “blame,” on whose side the problem in the
couples infertility is, as well as the automatic labelling
of the “childless” person or couple. It respects the right
of people to decide, whether they want to become parents and
it expresses it on the level of language. Those who want to
become parents and have not yet become so, are defined as
the unwillingly childless. In a book of this kind it is
unusual that the author keeps an open space for the decision
not to have a child, and she even reminds this recurrently.
She takes mainly the process through which one comes to a
decision as important. She knows that the solution might not
be only the “happy ending” (A review from “Aspekt,” the
feminist journal published by Women’s Association Aspekt,
Bratislava, Slovakia)
... So as recently one has often stood in a bookstore over a
book, thinking if one should treat oneself with it, I was
thinking the last holiday over your book On the Quest for a
Child. In the end I bought it and it has changed – perhaps
everything will turn out well – my life. And even if not –
it changed the orientation of one of the centers of the
assisted reproduction and hence the fates of other women. Me,
a shy and withdrawn person, has succeeded . . . thanks to
your book that . . .not even three quarters of a year have
passed and I am in the 8th week of pregnancy. . .
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